Week 13

I don't feel like we talked about anything new this week especially considering we had our final exam so I decided to have this weeks blog just be a post about how I feel about the semester and what I've taken from it.

I am planning on becoming a marriage and family counselor for many reasons but one of the biggest ones is that I understand the importance of family and that it was a system established by God and I want to help as many families or potential families, for those married couple with no children, to be strong unit where they can rely on one another for things. I enjoyed having a better understanding of just how the family system works, how we make boundaries either spoken or not and how many other different factors can effect a family. Money, loss, divorce, and even someone in the family being defiant or going against what the family accepts and expects. I have become even more excited to be a counselor and I can't wait to learn more about the family systems and what I could potentially do to help families do what's best for them and how to communicate in an effective and healthy manner.

Week 12

One of the main things we talked about this week was divorce and reasons for divorce. We also talked about steps to divorce and other things but I'm going to focus on reasons for divorce. I thought it was interesting how it was brought up that a women would divorce her husband if he hit her, but what constitutes hitting? He playfully wrestled you down to the ground, he playfully slapped your arm, he jokingly punched your leg...but when does it become too much? Where does the aggression line get drawn? I believe the couple needs to discuss their boundaries. If I am ever hit and you are angry, yelling, or have a raised voice, it it completely inappropriate. Another reason is adultery. My sister and I have discussed if our husbands were to cheat on us, would we leave them? Before we were married/engaged we said yes! But now she's married and in love with two beautiful babies and I'm on my way to being married as well and our answers have changed. Understanding now how in love you can be with someone, how committed and devoted and then throwing the fact that you have children together in the mix? This changes everything. I feel that I would be much more inclined to go to counseling, see our bishop and do everything we can to forgive and forget. I would need his promise to never do it again, but I would need to know what I could do to help prevent it as well. Was I neglecting his sexual needs? The intimacy needed for our marriage to work. was it thriving or diminishing? I have a new respect for women who don't leave their husbands if they cheat, it must be a lot harder than it sounds...

Week 11

This week we spoke about parenting. We talked about being a good parents and being involved with your child. At the end of the week we spoke about spanking. I found the discussion interesting and it was nice listening to most peoples opinions. I agree that there may be some circumstances that spanking could be your last resort but I feel even stronger that there will always be another, more effective option. When your kids disobey you, act out, or are frustrated, spanking isn't going to solve the long term problem. It may work in the short term but your child needs to feel loved, understood, and they need to feel as if there emotions are valid and not over looked. How much would an adult like it if we were to say to them, "Oh ignore them when they act that way, they're just looking for attention" or "Why are you so frustrated? It's not that big of a deal, get over it." Now I'm not saying everyone talks to there kids this way but when we don't take what the child is feeling into consideration then this could be how they take it. It could put a serious barrier. If we take the time to ask our 4 year old why they are screaming and mad we may find out they feel scared about something or that they just needed a little attention because they felt a little neglected. It will probably come out more like "I'm sad." or "You didn't play blocks with me like you said you would" But the general idea is that children have valid emotions and they deserve to be respected. They deserve unconditional love, not to only be shown love or have their love withdrawn because they aren't acting the way we want them to or being the person we expect them to be at that age. They are there own person too, and yes we need to guide, direct, and encourage our children to be good, thoughtful, and loving people but we don't need to ignore them, spank them, or make them feel like we just can't be around them when they act that way. I'm not a parent and I don't have this perfected, obviously, but I have come to create a more solid idea of how I will discipline my children and how I will try my hardest to raise them. I hope this all makes sense and that I don't come off as a crazy no punishment hippy attitude, I just feel very strongly about children having the same respect that adults expect.

Week 10

We started the week out by creating a list of things that a family needs to pay for such as mortgage, car payments, electric and a variety of other payments. The next class time we made another list to make sure we had all of the payments that would be made and then we decided how much everything would be. We had already created a lifestyle for this particular family such as income, school debt, and then cars and pets. I thought it was interesting that we over estimated for most of the payments and by the end of it there was still money left over. Not a lot of wiggle room if there were some sort of emergency but still a decent amount. I liked this exercise because it reminded me that not only is it important to set up a budget but it's probably going to create a more intimate relationship with your spouse if you do it together. If both people in the relationship understand what money they have and what they need to spend, it would be a lot easier to stay within the budget and a lot easier to talk yourself out of an unnecessary purchase. My fiance and I have talked about who will handle the money, we decided that he would for a while until I learn how to budget myself better. I've always had the opportunity to call my Dad if I needed more money because I spent what I had on something I didn't actually need. We talked about how once we have an income and I get a better understanding of the budget and what I can and can not spend, we will be able to handle our finances together as a team. The most important aspect of a budget is to decide what you need and what you don't need. I'm so grateful to have someone who not only can handle money pretty decently but also has the patience to help me gain control of my budget.

Week 9

This week we talked a lot about good listening. We discussed how when person A and person B are talking, person A acts and person B reacts, whose at fault? Person B. It's so important for clear communication and for people to be forgiving and understanding. Another thing we discussed was when listening to have a big heart, big ears and a closed mouth. I loved this saying because it expresses how important it is to talk to the people you are in a relationship with, with love...
We went over different ways to improve my own communication. Being conscious of nonverbal cues is huge. Sometimes people say things but mean something different, whether it be they are worried about the other one will think or they;re just uncomfortable saying what they really want too, it helps if the other person is paying attention to their nonverbal cues. Also keeping an open mind to the fact that many times people can misinterpret things that are said or done. Keeping that open mind and understanding that we all make mistakes, sometimes we don't think things through and the end result can be someones feelings can be hurt. Being forgiving and understanding can help diffuse problems and allows for communication to flow.
Something that we practiced a few times was understanding that we aren't as good at listening as we thought. When we pay attention to our listening we realize that our mind wanders and we put a lot of focus on what we're going to say. Listen, it's okay to pause and think before commenting. They need us to hear them.

Week 8

This week we talked about family crisis and what's not only considered a family crisis but also what the family can do to in order to deal with it in a healthy way. I couldn't help but think about the recent family crisis in my family and how we dealt with it together. My Aunt Sue, who was basically a mom to me and my siblings, had been diagnosed with Leukemia. I learned that my family had somehow instilled this plan in us, that in a family crisis we turn to the Lord with all we have, in prayer, faith, and hope. We supported each other and most importantly supported my Aunt Sue. Some families turn to other types of support such as counseling. It's so important for families to be prepared to support each other and to have some sort of fall back to rely on such as counseling or speaking with close friends or even meet with your local religious leaders. Family crisis is very serious and all families should know what they will fall back on in case of it.

Week 7

This week we discussed the importance of intimacy in relationships. We talked a little bit about the logistics of coitus and the stages. There is excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. I found it particularly interesting during the discussions because I feel like I am the type of person that it takes a lot to make me uncomfortable. Talking about sex in my family has never been something done in hushed tones. If we had questions we asked and we would get answers with proper terms. I'm going to veer off topic for a moment and express how I feel like a lot of the people that come to BYU-Idaho have this weird aversion to talking about sex. It makes people uncomfortable. A lot of things shouldn't be discussed, I'm not saying everyone should be telling me about their sexual lives, but I have met way too many young adults here who don't know anything about sex or they act like they are eight years old and they think talking about sex is going to get them soap in there mouths. I appreciated that in the class we talked about it. Sex is something that is extremely important in a marriage. It is vital to happiness and the proper communication that is necessary. It's a way that each person can not only show there love for one another but to show there desire to make the other spouse happy. I think it's ridiculous that some people have the mindset that sex is something to do for the man and that if the women can find pleasure great but don't be surprised if you can't. There are so many different options for women today to have just as great as an experience as men. It helps the man become more selfless and it helps the relationships communication. Verbalizing your needs and desires in and of itself is very intimate then taking the necessary steps to execute the desires and needs will help build the relationship greatly.