Week 13

I don't feel like we talked about anything new this week especially considering we had our final exam so I decided to have this weeks blog just be a post about how I feel about the semester and what I've taken from it.

I am planning on becoming a marriage and family counselor for many reasons but one of the biggest ones is that I understand the importance of family and that it was a system established by God and I want to help as many families or potential families, for those married couple with no children, to be strong unit where they can rely on one another for things. I enjoyed having a better understanding of just how the family system works, how we make boundaries either spoken or not and how many other different factors can effect a family. Money, loss, divorce, and even someone in the family being defiant or going against what the family accepts and expects. I have become even more excited to be a counselor and I can't wait to learn more about the family systems and what I could potentially do to help families do what's best for them and how to communicate in an effective and healthy manner.

Week 12

One of the main things we talked about this week was divorce and reasons for divorce. We also talked about steps to divorce and other things but I'm going to focus on reasons for divorce. I thought it was interesting how it was brought up that a women would divorce her husband if he hit her, but what constitutes hitting? He playfully wrestled you down to the ground, he playfully slapped your arm, he jokingly punched your leg...but when does it become too much? Where does the aggression line get drawn? I believe the couple needs to discuss their boundaries. If I am ever hit and you are angry, yelling, or have a raised voice, it it completely inappropriate. Another reason is adultery. My sister and I have discussed if our husbands were to cheat on us, would we leave them? Before we were married/engaged we said yes! But now she's married and in love with two beautiful babies and I'm on my way to being married as well and our answers have changed. Understanding now how in love you can be with someone, how committed and devoted and then throwing the fact that you have children together in the mix? This changes everything. I feel that I would be much more inclined to go to counseling, see our bishop and do everything we can to forgive and forget. I would need his promise to never do it again, but I would need to know what I could do to help prevent it as well. Was I neglecting his sexual needs? The intimacy needed for our marriage to work. was it thriving or diminishing? I have a new respect for women who don't leave their husbands if they cheat, it must be a lot harder than it sounds...

Week 11

This week we spoke about parenting. We talked about being a good parents and being involved with your child. At the end of the week we spoke about spanking. I found the discussion interesting and it was nice listening to most peoples opinions. I agree that there may be some circumstances that spanking could be your last resort but I feel even stronger that there will always be another, more effective option. When your kids disobey you, act out, or are frustrated, spanking isn't going to solve the long term problem. It may work in the short term but your child needs to feel loved, understood, and they need to feel as if there emotions are valid and not over looked. How much would an adult like it if we were to say to them, "Oh ignore them when they act that way, they're just looking for attention" or "Why are you so frustrated? It's not that big of a deal, get over it." Now I'm not saying everyone talks to there kids this way but when we don't take what the child is feeling into consideration then this could be how they take it. It could put a serious barrier. If we take the time to ask our 4 year old why they are screaming and mad we may find out they feel scared about something or that they just needed a little attention because they felt a little neglected. It will probably come out more like "I'm sad." or "You didn't play blocks with me like you said you would" But the general idea is that children have valid emotions and they deserve to be respected. They deserve unconditional love, not to only be shown love or have their love withdrawn because they aren't acting the way we want them to or being the person we expect them to be at that age. They are there own person too, and yes we need to guide, direct, and encourage our children to be good, thoughtful, and loving people but we don't need to ignore them, spank them, or make them feel like we just can't be around them when they act that way. I'm not a parent and I don't have this perfected, obviously, but I have come to create a more solid idea of how I will discipline my children and how I will try my hardest to raise them. I hope this all makes sense and that I don't come off as a crazy no punishment hippy attitude, I just feel very strongly about children having the same respect that adults expect.

Week 10

We started the week out by creating a list of things that a family needs to pay for such as mortgage, car payments, electric and a variety of other payments. The next class time we made another list to make sure we had all of the payments that would be made and then we decided how much everything would be. We had already created a lifestyle for this particular family such as income, school debt, and then cars and pets. I thought it was interesting that we over estimated for most of the payments and by the end of it there was still money left over. Not a lot of wiggle room if there were some sort of emergency but still a decent amount. I liked this exercise because it reminded me that not only is it important to set up a budget but it's probably going to create a more intimate relationship with your spouse if you do it together. If both people in the relationship understand what money they have and what they need to spend, it would be a lot easier to stay within the budget and a lot easier to talk yourself out of an unnecessary purchase. My fiance and I have talked about who will handle the money, we decided that he would for a while until I learn how to budget myself better. I've always had the opportunity to call my Dad if I needed more money because I spent what I had on something I didn't actually need. We talked about how once we have an income and I get a better understanding of the budget and what I can and can not spend, we will be able to handle our finances together as a team. The most important aspect of a budget is to decide what you need and what you don't need. I'm so grateful to have someone who not only can handle money pretty decently but also has the patience to help me gain control of my budget.

Week 9

This week we talked a lot about good listening. We discussed how when person A and person B are talking, person A acts and person B reacts, whose at fault? Person B. It's so important for clear communication and for people to be forgiving and understanding. Another thing we discussed was when listening to have a big heart, big ears and a closed mouth. I loved this saying because it expresses how important it is to talk to the people you are in a relationship with, with love...
We went over different ways to improve my own communication. Being conscious of nonverbal cues is huge. Sometimes people say things but mean something different, whether it be they are worried about the other one will think or they;re just uncomfortable saying what they really want too, it helps if the other person is paying attention to their nonverbal cues. Also keeping an open mind to the fact that many times people can misinterpret things that are said or done. Keeping that open mind and understanding that we all make mistakes, sometimes we don't think things through and the end result can be someones feelings can be hurt. Being forgiving and understanding can help diffuse problems and allows for communication to flow.
Something that we practiced a few times was understanding that we aren't as good at listening as we thought. When we pay attention to our listening we realize that our mind wanders and we put a lot of focus on what we're going to say. Listen, it's okay to pause and think before commenting. They need us to hear them.

Week 8

This week we talked about family crisis and what's not only considered a family crisis but also what the family can do to in order to deal with it in a healthy way. I couldn't help but think about the recent family crisis in my family and how we dealt with it together. My Aunt Sue, who was basically a mom to me and my siblings, had been diagnosed with Leukemia. I learned that my family had somehow instilled this plan in us, that in a family crisis we turn to the Lord with all we have, in prayer, faith, and hope. We supported each other and most importantly supported my Aunt Sue. Some families turn to other types of support such as counseling. It's so important for families to be prepared to support each other and to have some sort of fall back to rely on such as counseling or speaking with close friends or even meet with your local religious leaders. Family crisis is very serious and all families should know what they will fall back on in case of it.

Week 7

This week we discussed the importance of intimacy in relationships. We talked a little bit about the logistics of coitus and the stages. There is excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. I found it particularly interesting during the discussions because I feel like I am the type of person that it takes a lot to make me uncomfortable. Talking about sex in my family has never been something done in hushed tones. If we had questions we asked and we would get answers with proper terms. I'm going to veer off topic for a moment and express how I feel like a lot of the people that come to BYU-Idaho have this weird aversion to talking about sex. It makes people uncomfortable. A lot of things shouldn't be discussed, I'm not saying everyone should be telling me about their sexual lives, but I have met way too many young adults here who don't know anything about sex or they act like they are eight years old and they think talking about sex is going to get them soap in there mouths. I appreciated that in the class we talked about it. Sex is something that is extremely important in a marriage. It is vital to happiness and the proper communication that is necessary. It's a way that each person can not only show there love for one another but to show there desire to make the other spouse happy. I think it's ridiculous that some people have the mindset that sex is something to do for the man and that if the women can find pleasure great but don't be surprised if you can't. There are so many different options for women today to have just as great as an experience as men. It helps the man become more selfless and it helps the relationships communication. Verbalizing your needs and desires in and of itself is very intimate then taking the necessary steps to execute the desires and needs will help build the relationship greatly.

Week 6

This week we learned about the four kinds of responses to the diminished quality in a romantic relationship and they were exit, voice, loyalty and neglect. I found these responses interesting and tried seeing which one I tended to go towards when a relationship was falling apart and I was able to remember using each at least once. Then I started thinking about the reason behind that and realized that in completely depended on how the actual relationship had started and how it functioned when it was doing "well". Every time we start a relationship we set a mood for how it will continue. I'm not saying that if it starts out crappy it won't do well, but it kind of gives you a heads up. With my fiance, we've known each other for three and half years. We started dating when I was 17 and we had our arguments but we were always able to voice what was going on and try to fix it. I later broke up with him and I was a little neglectful because I didn't want to deal with the breakup itself. When he came back from his mission we picked right back up with being extremely good at talking about things that bothered us, sharing our feelings, and trying our hardest to be better for one another. We set the tone in the beginning though, and we are actively working on keeping it afloat. I just found it interesting in my case anyways. I'm not sure if it would be that way for everyone but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you establish your way of communicating from the beginning and you can either help to make it grow stronger or let it fall apart.

Week 5

The topic I'm going to touch on about this weeks classes is when we discussed disclosure in relationships and intimacy. I thought it was interesting because we discussed the differences of intimacy. I've always thought that there were different types of love and that each one had its own level of intimacy. I think as we get older we think that younger people, such as those in high school, don't fall in love or don't understand it. But the real question isn't if they understand it but how they understand at that point in their life. I know I was in love with a boy in 2nd grade and I remember chasing him around all the time. To me at that age, I was in love. My understanding of it was I thought he was cute and I wanted him to pay attention to me. When I was 14 I fell in love with someone I met at an EFY, a youth program and at that time love was flirting and having someone to confide in and someone to be committed to. Now at 20, I am in love with a man who I've known for 3 years. It's a whole new level of intimacy. We consult with each other. We lean on one another. We trust each other. We care about each others feelings. We know so many different things about each other and we love to be around each other. I love that the chapter about love touched on different kinds of love. We all love someone, it's just a matter if how we love someone.

Week 4

This past week we talked about the differences between gender, gender role, and gender role orientation and then we discussed masculine versus feminine qualities. I enjoyed the two days that we discussed this because I realized how many different qualities we stereotype to each sex. I started to think about how a lot of us are not the 'typical' male or female. I've met my fair share of the 'typical male or female, they do exist and they can be very overwhelming people, but for the most part we all have our own mix of each side of qualities making us who we are. We also discussed the qualities of Christ and though it was only a brief time, I was glad it was discussed. I thought about it on my way home... we are all very different, we all have our own mix of qualities, but we should all have the same goal. We should be seeking to be loving, humble, wise, compassionate, charitable, pure, faithful, diligent, perfect, good listeners, leaders, forgiving, selfless, strong, nurturing, patient and caring people. The list could go on forever. And I want to add that perfect is unattainable in this life but we can do our best at trying and that in and of itself, in this life, is indeed perfect to Him. On Friday we discussed same sex attraction and our take on it. I usually try to comment on my thoughts but on Friday I listened. it was interesting to see how everyone else thought and I was pleased to agree with almost all of the comments. I have my own thoughts as well, that I honestly do believe that they weren't born homosexual but that it was their challenge to overcome. Heavenly Father loves them just the same, He hopes for them to overcome temptation just the same as everyone else. They might have it a little harder but they can do it with the Lords help. Now I have no idea how the Lord judges their actions, their thoughts, and their desires, but that's not my job. I don't approve of the homosexual lifestyle but I will love and respect a homosexual as an individual.

Week 3

This week we went over some terms that we had been quizzed on. I'm interested in pathogenic families and why they are okay with ultimately disowning members of the family if they step out of the family connections or go against the normal family rules. Granted I can understand not being proud of decisions made by some family members and not enabling bad behavior/choices, but straight up "kicking" them out of the family till they decide their choice is wrong? That's way to extreme and yes it will hurt both sides, but if it's not a harmful choice like not going after the career you've always wanted them to go after or joining another religion when you've raised them a completely different way, it doesn't make sense. Even if they are making harmful decisions like drug or alcohol abuse, infidelity, or even becoming a wicken, the worst thing you can do it leave them alone and abandon them. If they a strong individual the only thing your accomplishing is severing personal ties and support. I feel like being open about not being proud of their decisions or talking to them about getting help would be so much more beneficial. On Friday we spoke about salary and we got a little caught up in women getting paid less then men and why. A lot of the points brought up were definitely understandable, such a women with doctorates tend to do different things with their degree then man which pay less, or they choose not to work as many hours. These are points that I completely agree with as to why there might be a different in pay. As for different ethnic backgrounds getting paid less I feel like it might have something to do with opportunity. Not very long ago it was difficult for African Americans or Hispanics to go to a higher level of education and they might still be trying to rise above that and may not have those opportunities yet. Just a theory though, I'm not entirely sure as to why. See you next week...

Week 2

I'm loving this class more and more so far. In the beginning of the week we talked about how we are genetically designed to connect to others. We need and crave that kind of relationship. Unfortunately not everyone gets to have a close relationship from their parents or siblings and it affects who they are in the future. It's interesting to think that love kind of molds who are in the future. We also went over some myths that people take for fact, such as there is a 50% divorce rate, when really the people who get divorced tend to be divorced more than once so it's skewing the numbers. I actually want to take the time and discuss this with my cousin. She hasn't had the best life growing up in the stable mother/father figure relationship in her life. To he divorce happens all to often and she doesn't see the reasons why people get married if it won't work out later in life. I want to explain to her a healthy family life and spouse relationship can change that. Yesterday we went over our own family systems and I thought it was so interesting to sit and understand my own family system. The unspoken rules and the boundaries within each relationship. We all subconsciously follow these rules but don't ever really think about it because it's how it's always been. Then understanding the function of a boundary. How it's a hierarchy and that it regulates how the family functions. I love learning about the family. I never realized how complex the family was, but it makes sense.

Week 1

I really enjoyed this weeks lessons and discussions. When we went over the 5  cautions for family research, they seemed pretty obvious but if we hadn't gone over them I wouldn't have known what to look for. When we went of terminology and how some words might have different meaning to others like what is a traditional family, something really clicked. It can differ within the church depending on upbringing. I never thought I'd have to pay such close attention to details involving studies but at the same time, it makes sense to pay such close attention. We also talked about research methods, data collection, and designs. I'm not gonna lie, at times I had trouble playing attention because it's not the most fascinating information but I can definitely see why I need to know and understand these things.